Screwed
by elizabethconnors
Summary: Hysterical laughter bubbled up within the green eyed medic as she realised she was probably going to be murdered by a pack of psychotic criminals, all for a few hundred bottles of sake. Rated T for swearing.
1. Well, fuck

**Screwed**

_Hysterical laughter bubbled up within the green eyed medic  
__ as she realised she was probably going to be murdered by  
a pack of psychotic criminals all for a few hundred bottles of sake._

Chapter One: Well, fuck

Sakura glared at the S-Class missing nin in front of her, readying a kunai at her side. When she got back to Konoha she would _kill _Tsunade before chopping her up into little tiny pieces and feeding her to Akamaru. And then, just for the hell of it, she'd resurrect her again just so the sadistic blonde could spend an extra few decades enjoying the constant company of the never-ending piles of forms and papers which continually littered the Hokage's office.

'Like what you fucking see? Bring it bitch,' sneered the silver haired, ridiculously huge man in front of her. He had distinctly pinkish-purplish eyes, probably weird contacts or something, clearly used some sort of gel to slick back his dead straight tresses, had nails painted a dark green and was wearing jewellery.

Obviously some sort of psychopathic transvestite.

How had she gotten herself into this situation again? Oh yeah. Tsunade.

The pink-haired kunoichi smirked back grimly. 'I don't have time to waste on a sexually deprived, pansy-ass cross dresser,' she retorted, before hurling her favourite kunai (dubbed Marshmallow because it had a particularly sharp point which was perfect to spit marshmallows on to roast them over camp fires during those rare, welcomed uneventful missions) at her shocked opponent before turning on her heels and hightailing out of range. She had attached an exploding tag at the tip and just managed to catch the first few of many colourful curses shrieked out by the Akatsuki member.

Sakura sighed as she pumped chakra in her legs, speeding in the exact opposite direction to that which she needed to go, muttering all the while. It was just like Tsunade to give her the stupidest, least-paying missions in all of Konoha. It wasn't because the blonde-haired Hokage thought Sakura, recently a qualified jounin, unable, more like she enjoyed her student to be in a constant state of frustration and distress. Probably because her sensei wanted someone else to feel as shitty as she did when her supply of sake dwindled.

'Sadistic, alcoholic tormentor,' she grumbled under her breath.

The mission scroll in her belt knocked against Sakura's thigh as she jumped from tree branch to tree branch, reminding her once again of the stupidity of this '_extremely important assignment._' Yeah, extremely important her ass. She had realised why Tsunade had ordered her to be at least five miles outside of the village before opening the contents of the scroll as soon as she had skimmed over the sloppy writing. It was a fucking shopping list!

Consisting of one item: sake. Of course.

Her 'mission' was to travel to a several different locations, including Suna and even Amegakure, to order a hefty supply of her teacher's favourite alcoholic beverage to be delivered to Konoha by the week. Sakura wouldn't be surprised if it was all consumed before she returned. Why the person who was usually in charge of this kind of job couldn't take care of it was beyond the kunochi. It wasn't as if medic ninja with Sakura's level of skill weren't in high demand, especially with the Akatsuki becoming more problematic with every passing day.

And then, just her luck, she had stumbled upon one of them _pissing _and doing god knows what else in the bushes with a mouth on him that rivalled Tsunade's in one of her drunken rants. That, of course, made her immediately remember the comment Sai had made after his first contact with the Hokage's temper. '_Recent studies have shown that those who are sexually deprived use an excessive amount of expletives to vent their frustrations. I believe Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi could assist you in reliving your tensions. There is a business on the east side of Konoha which is visited quite frequently by all three of th-_' He was somewhat brutally cut off by a letter-opener being flung at his head. Sakura, and the rest of the furiously blushing Team-7, were quite unceremoniously kicked through the door, though all four stayed to listen while Sai was trapped for fifty eight minutes and thirty two seconds with the raging Hokage.

It was not pretty.

It was safe to say that Sai had never repeated those self same words again and, though usually as stoic and emotionless as the cold Uchiha, the former ROOT ninja visibly twitched at the mere mention of the words 'recent' and 'studies' in the same sentence, let alone 'sexually deprived'. Sakura found it was the perfect distraction when they sparred during training, low blow that it was.

So, thoroughly irritated and wound up, it wasn't very surprising that when she had found herself almost used as a toilet by a massive, effeminate S-class missing nin she had snapped.

And now the 'mission' was going to take twice as long because Tsunade had specifically added a form of sake to the list which could only be found in some run down porn shop in Suna. Sakura didn't even want to know how her sensei had found it. But in order to get there, she had to scout around the Akatsuki – for when there's one, there's almost always another.

'Fucking Akatsuki!' the kunoichi almost screamed out, stamping her foot down extra hard on the branch she was jumping off, picturing it as that cross-dresser's sneering face, so that it broke and slammed down to the forest floor.

Where it hit someone which was decidedly _not _the ground.

A harsh cry of 'Bitch!' froze Sakura on the spot. It was the silver haired cross-dresser again.

'Can't you stop your whinging for one fucking second, Hidan?'

'It's the second time that stupid whore has sliced open my chest you bastard!'

'You impale yourself on spiked poles every single day and get blood all over my hoard of money withought a second thought for your sadistic god and you're complaining about the shittiest little cut I've ever seen!'

'Shut the _fuck_ up before I sacrifice your greedy fucking ass to Jashin!'

The pink haired konoichi, poised with agile grace above the Akatsuki, scrunched up her face in confusion at the argument rapidly escalating beneath her. Were they just trying to confuse her? How were these idiots apart of the most infamous criminal organisation in the entire shinobi world?

'It surprises me too.'

Sakura nearly fell out of the tree as the sound of another, much closer, male voice reached her ears, as smooth and rich as velvet. She turned her head a fraction and saw, balancing on a branch slightly higher than hers, the graceful form and shock of ink blank hair of Uchiha Itachi. He stared at her unblinkingly impassive as his Mangekyo Sharingan flared. The emerald eyed Leaf kunoichi stared as blankly back at the emotionally detached notorious murderer of the Uchiha clan, surprising him with how calm she was.

Before she fell out of the tree, her cool expression frozen on in shock.

Even when she landed on the foul-mouthed S-Class nin from Yugakure.

'FOR FUCKS SAKE!' Hidan cursed vehemently, as the edge of her metal headband gouged another mark into his bare, bloodied chest.

The Akatsuki's incessant swearing broke Sakura out of her momentary lapse and she scrambled up and away from the dangerous criminals in front of her. Jumping up into a sloppy version of a defensive stance, the kunoichi blanched as the four men in flowing, black cloaks turned their attention towards her; Hidan cursing under his breath, Itachi having jumped down from the tree and another two whom she had not seen before. One of which had the shiny, smooth flaxen tresses which Ino had longed for since she was twelve. Blondie there must be Hidan's cross-dressing buddy, his similarity to Sakura's female pig headed friend astounding.

Hysterical laughter bubbled up within the green eyed medic as she realised she was probably going to be murdered by a pack of psychotic criminals all for a few hundred bottles of sake.

She was so screwed.

_Well, I'm not going down without a fight! _Sakura declared to herself, suddenly determined, before her faultless plan quickly disintegrated as she slipped on a stray leaf and hit her frequently-commented-on-large forehead upon a nearby rock.

_Oh, yes._

Tsunade would be murdered slowly and painfully, plotted the pink haired kunoichi before she drifted off into unconsciousness, a small smile gracing her lips as she dreamed of various agonizing torturing devices being used relentlessly on her evil, _evil _sensei. .

The four Akatsuki stared at the still form of the pink haired kunoichi lying on the forest floor in front of them.

'Well, fuck,' said Hidan with his usual elegance.

For once, the others agreed with him.

* * *

A/N: Hey, this is my first try at a _sort-of _crack fic. It'll have a pretty flimsy plot, just to keep the story going, but I think I'll focus more on Sakura's association with various members of the Akatsuki. Well, we'll see how it goes anyway.

I'd appreciate reviews and any ideas that cross your mind :)

- E.


	2. Another Faultless Plan

Chapter Two: Another Faultless Plan

Sakura woke, as she usually did, to a loud, irritating argument.

"That bitch is our fucking enemy! This isn't a fucking hotel for any pussy fucking Leaf ninja who passes by!"

Except it definitelywasn't Nartuo and Sasuke going at each other about whether Ichiraku's was just a crack house in disguise, if Kakashi was actually gay, whether the stick up Sasuke's ass was growing longer every day or whatever other passing thought managed to squeeze through their thick skulls that morning.

The fact that her head was pounding worse than a hangover after one of Ino's New Years Eve parties didn't help.

And neither was the irony of her situation lost on the pink haired Leaf nin.

She had tripped on a fucking leaf. Now there was stupidity to match Naruto's.

Gingerly, Sakura prodded the source of the blinding pain, her delicate fingers finding the biggest, sorest goddamn lump marring her right temple. The swelling from the bruise blurred the vision in her eye slightly and she probably looked as bad as she felt. Her thoughts were muddled, her brain processing much slower than usual, and she probably had a mild concussion.

It was a _leaf_! Come on.

Groaning slightly, the kunoichi tried to pump healing green chakra to her fingertips, only to find almost all of her reserves gone. Trying to stay calm, for doing anything else would worsen the throbbing headache attacking her skull, Sakura managed to drag up enough to numb the ache and reduce the swelling.

Tentatively, Sakura lifted her eyelids and had to stifle back a gasp at the scene in front of her. "You are awake, kunoichi," said Uchiha Itachi blandly from his leaning position against the wall. His eyes were closed, as if he were sleeping. The homicidal murderer looked as harmless as a kitten.

"Awake, are we?"

Sakura resisted the urge to flinch at the massive, _blue_ figure grinning down at her from his towering position beside her bed. She narrowed her eyes at him, and after a closer inspection, realised he had a startling resemblance to a shark, or some sort of fishy mammal. Some sort of gigantic fishy mammal, since this freak had at least a three inches on that asshole Hidan.

"No shit Fish-Sticks," the pink haired kunoichi managed to choke out, her growing terror at being in the grips of the Akatsuki with almost zero chance of escape strangely loosening her tongue. "Don't you have some sushi to eat?"

He just widened his grin.

"Dude, Hidan was right, yeah. This chick's as crazy as a hellcat, un," laughed a blonde haired man as he strode through the door. Sakura recognised him as Hidan's transvestite buddy from their previous encounter. The kunoichi didn't have it in her to label it as a 'fight' since her clumsiness had ended the brawl before it had began.

Well, that and a fucking leaf.

Sakura wisely refrained from commenting, choosing to glare at the Ino-clone instead and make up unimaginative nicknames for her terrorizers in her mind.

"Hellcat?" questioned Captain Sushi, a set of sharpened teeth showing through his azure lips. "More like a cuddly little kitten." He ruffled her bubblegum pink hair before she smacked his hand away. Who did Shark Face think he was, touching her like that?

"Except even kittens land on their feet when they fall, un." Barbie laughed.

Before the kunoichi could register the insult through her concussion-addled brain, a serious looking crimson haired man with an obvious fetish for piercings stepped through the door. Followed by a seething Hidan. Before she could control herself, Sakura smirked and childishly poked her tongue out, immensely enjoying his furious, teeth-grinding reaction.

"Sakura Haruno," greeted the red head civilly, with an air of authority.

Sakura merely stared at him, silent. It was probably safer that way.

"I am Pein, leader of the Akatsuki," he said, and the pink haired medic nodded, focusing on soothing her increasingly painful headache and the sudden onslaught of butterflies attacking her stomach instead of replying.

She was _so _screwed!

Pein didn't seem perturbed by her rudeness and continued calmly. "As you were captured by members of our organisation, you are now under our control. However, do not assume that because you are alive at this moment, you will not be killed the next." Sakura almost rolled her eyes. Almost. No shit. "You are the fifth Hokage's apprentice and are known for your skills in the medicinal and healing area."

Sakura couldn't help the swell of pride rise in her chest at his words. Even the Akatsuki had heard of her! Hell yeah.

"At this point in time the Akatsuki are lacking a medic and due to our particular career path, we cannot afford to be without one at the present. Therefore you are hereby instated as a temporary member of the Akatsuki as a medic. Your contract will last a year, upon which it will be decided whether you will continue with us or not. If you last that long."

With that Pein turned on his heels and strode out the door, quite pleased with himself. Not that he would admit it of course. The Akatsuki didn't have positive feelings. Except maybe Tobi, but he didn't really count.

Sakura gaped at the retreating figure, her eye twitching, while Itachi examined his flawlessly painted fingernails, still leaning against the wall. Blondie and Shark-Face were grinning like the mad men they were and Hidan was muttering curses under his breath and something about a Jashin. Whoever that was. Probably his boyfriend or something.

Finished and apparently satisfied with the appearance of his perfectly manicured nails, Itachi stood up straight and sighed to himself. Pein always forced him to 'settle in' any new members after the leader had given them his routine you-will-probably-die-very-very-soon speech which didn't really help the Uchiha at all. Oh well. Scanning over the tiny, frozen, pink haired kunoichi lying stiff in the bed he calculated that she would last a grand total of six and a half days. Maybe seven. And that was if he gave her the benefit of the doubt.

He sighed softly again and resolved to make this a quick one. "Your chakra reserves were drained upon entering our base," he began in a monotonous voice. "They will not be touched again unless you cause trouble, which I strongly advise against. You have forty two hours to 'settle in' before you are briefed on your duties properly." The Uchiha turned, his cloak whipping around his slim figure, and strode out of the room. His voice wafted through the doorframe from the corridor. "And don't even bother trying to escape."

Sakura blinked. She never knew an Uchiha had enough strength in their vocal chords to say more than four words at a time. Maybe it was just a Sasuke thing.

"We should probably get going Kisame, yeah," said, turning to Flipper. Seriously, what was with the excessive use of _yeah's _and _un's_? The Akatsuki weren't a criminal organisation at all. It was an insane asylum, obviously. They all just had some sort of mental disability. Hidan was a psychopath. Terret's had Terrets. Captain Sushi's had some kind of weird form of pigment mutation, enough to drive anyone crazy. Not even getting started on Uchiha Itachi.

The kunoichi snorted.

"Kakuzu said dinner'll be ready soon and you know how little he makes, yeah. He was all 'I'm not wasting money on two hundred servings of fucking bakudan Diedara!' Saving money my ass, un." With that, along with a couple of cocky grins, both men left.

Meaning Sakura was left alone with that masochist Hidan. Goddamn it.

"You're still a fucking little bitch, did you know that?" he sneered.

Sakura stared at him with a bored expression. "And you're still a sexually deprived, pansy-ass cross dresser, not to mention repetitive, did you know that?" she deadpanned, the logical side of her brain curiously disabled when she conversed with the Jashinist. She could almost _feel _her brain cells flopping over in defeat in the face of his stupidity.

Fortunately, before he could 'kick the shit out of her skinny pink ass' the S-Class missing nin was called downstairs using, curiously, the Akatsuki ring around his finger. After a quick rude gesture Hidan disappeared out of the room.

Sakura's new room. The beginning of her new life as a traitor to Konoha since, technically, that's what she was now.

'I am so royally screwed,' she muttered. Sighing, the kunoichi lay back on the bed, relishing in the comfort of the feather pillows, cool sheets and springy mattress. She might as well enjoy the simple things in life before she was murdered in her sleep.

Turning onto her side, Sakura spotted an Akatsuki ring on the table beside her bed. She hesitated for a moment, before reaching over and cautiously picking it up. The stone imbedded in the metal was a slate blue, the symbol 'ku' for 'sky' or 'void' etched into it. The ring itself was very small and would only just fit on her pinkie, if she put it on. Tsunade would be very interested in studying it. Who knows what sort of strange powers the trinket held?

A plan began formulating in Sakura's mind.

She would become a member of the Akatsuki but be a secret spy for Konoha, of course. And then when her year was up she would hightail out of there, taking information and the ring and whatever else she found interesting back to the Hokage.

It was full proof.

Maybe, just maybe, if she managed to find the fatal weakness of the Akatsuki which would finally bring them down Tsunade wouldn't kill her for failing the sake mission…

Shuddering, the kunoichi remembered the last time her shishou had forgotten where she had hidden her alcoholic beverages from Shizune. Even Konoha's best psychiatrists had to go see shrinks after they had tried to treat the victims of Tsunade's sober ferocity.

So, then again, maybe not.

_Well it couldn't hurt, either way_, thought Sakura as she slipped the ring on her left pinkie. It fit perfectly.

* * *

**A/N: Uhm, yeah. **

**Sorry about the lack of crack in this chapter - I'm sick with the flu and I guess my writing at the moment is as bad as how I'm feeling ==" I mean it's the middle of summer! Give me beak. Ugh. That and I needed to create a bit of a plot so _Screwed _doesn't turn into mush :L **

**Anyway, very quick update but that's just because I'm trying to get into a routine of updating every Wednesday**

**Thanks to everyone who added this to their alerts and double thanks to those who took the time to comment :D Next chapter = crack galore (hopefully I'm feeling better)**

**Read, enjoy and review :) **

**- E. **


	3. Welcome to the Insane Asylum

_psst: _

_"this is zetsu's black half talking" _

"and this is his white half talking" (as well as ... everyone talking)

Chapter Three: Welcome to the Insane Asylum

Sakura had thought that, even though they were a group of S-Class missing nins, dinner would set upon a beautiful stolen table with the finest stolen wine poured in the classiest stolen cups and eating the tastiest stolen dinners cooked by the most talented murdered chefs. They would be living in _style_ because they were the most wanted organisation in the entire shinobi world.

Well, something along those lines.

However when Sakura entered the living room she realised that men, whether they were notorious criminals or not, were all the same:

Pigs.

Sakura had stepped through the doorway to find six muscly Akatsuki males squeezed together on two moth-eaten couches as they shoved food down their throats while their eyes were glued to the television. Pein, licking his thumb before turning a page of his newspaper, and a solemn blue haired woman who was mechanically folding a thin paper sheet – probably as a coping mechanism for stress – sat on their own individual dark green la-z-boy sofas. She saw Itachi sitting in a meditation position in the corner of the room, a plate of seaweed onigiri beside him. The medicorum of respect at his self control was lost as he furtively checked his nails every minute or so. Obsessive compulsive disorder, much?

"Hey bitch!" greeted Hidan, his mouth stuffed as full as Naruto's when Ichiraku's had a rare 'buy one bowl of ramen, get one free' day. He seemed much more amicable with a full stomach. Men.

Sakura stood awkwardly in the doorway, unsure of how to proceed, until a large plate was dropped into her hands piled with a yellow-brownish mush which looked, and smelt, suspiciously like her two year old cousin's excretions. Maybe they were sick of her already and wanted to figure out a new and interesting way to kill people. She tried to hide her look of disgust.

"Kakuzu," the man introduced. Sakura looked up at the Akasuki's face and her eyes widened at the multitude of scars which marred his skin. A flicker of remorse sparked within the medic as she took in his many wounds.

"Damn, your short Pinky," Kakuzu said, eyeing her doubtfully with his green irides. "Didn't eat enough veggies growing up, huh?"

Sakura's eye twitched.

There was _no way _she was going to take shit about her diminutive size from a bunch of outlawed bastards. "I don't see how my fucking height is any of your damn business, jackass, so kindly _shut the fuck up _before I carve a few extra scars into your pretty face!" It was a sensitive subject, okay?

Kakuzu stared at her in surprise. The rest of the Akatsuki had gone silent.

Diedara broke the growing tension by throwing back his head and laughing until tears rolled down his cheeks. "You just got your shit handed to you Kakuzu, yeah!" Soon the likes of Hidan and Kisame were roaring with laughter as well, only Pein and Itachi's cool demeanour kept in place. Although she have could sworn that the corners of their lips curved upward slightly.

Kakuzu's hands clenched into fists, however he kept his temper at check using the breathing exercises Tobi had given him. Forced upon him. That bastard could be too persuasive when he wanted to be.

He was to breathe in, think of a suitable reason against slaughtering whoever it was in front of him, before breathing out again and repeating until he reached a medicorum of calm.

Breathe in, _killing the kunoichi is a waste of money and material_, breathe out.

Breathe in, _Hidan will end up murdering her anyway_, breathe out

Breathe in, _therefore Pein will kill Hidan_, breathe out

Breathe in, _and he won't have to deal with that fucker anymore_, breathe out.

Kakuzu's fist relaxed and he shot Sakura a genuine smile, the stiches across his lips stretching with the effort. He dropped back down into his tight spot between Kisame and a black and white man whose head looked as if it was being very slowly eaten by a Venus fly trap.

Sakura stared.

And Zetsu became irritable.

He hated it when people stared. Okay, so he looked a little different than the average Joe. Big deal. At least he was somewhat normal. Well, compared to the other morons in the room. He didn't massacre his whole family; he doesn't hurt himself because an imaginary friend named 'Jashin' told him to; he didn't secretly nickname his giant murdering sword Gertrude because Samehada was 'unimaginative'; he wasn't a suicidal clay moulding terrorist; he didn't stay up late at night doing god knows what while watching Wall Street and he didn't prance around with a death wish claiming he was a "good boy".

Despite appearances, Zetsu believed he was very normal, even with his slight cannibalistic tendencies, and didn't deserve to be peered at like an animal in a zoo.

"Do you, uh, need help with that?" she asked finally, referring to the giant razor edged plant encasing the upper half of his striped body.

He looked ridiculous, after all.

The Zebra-Man blinked and lifted his bright-eyed gaze from the television. Barely. "Pardon?"

The kunoichi shifted awkwardly on the spot. "The, um, thing. Around your head. Yeah." God, she was beginning to sound like that idiot Diedara.

Zetsu looked at her as if she was crazy. "_I suppose it was too much to assume that basic social niceties are taught in Konoha_," he sighed with a voice as rough as sandpaper. "Uchiha should have been enough of an example," Zetsu said, his tone now as smooth as velvet. "He's about as well mannered as a brick. And just as lively."

Sakura's chin dropped. "Uh…"

"Multiple personality disorder," commented Kisame nonchalantly between oversized mouthfuls of his meal. "It's even weirder when Zetsu argues with himself. It's like, half finished sentences and shit." He shook his head. "It's easier just to except it, kunoichi."

"… Accept the giant plant eating his head?"

He nodded. "Just like you accept the fact that I'm weirdly coloured, Itachi has a creepy, burning passion for his nails and Konan is a hard ass whose natural hair colour is blonde."

Pein turned to the scowling woman beside him as her fist slowly crushed the white origami rose she had just created. "Blonde?" he questioned, an eyebrow arched.

Konan didn't answer, silently vowing to never let Kisame go supplies shopping with her again. Never. Again.

"And the others?" Sakura asked, her gaze flickering over the rest of the Akatsuki. Most were still glued to the television, although Itachi's icy glare was directed at his partner who was either ignoring it or blissfully unaware.

Kisame shrugged, which was more of a little jolt of his shoulders considering his tight position on the couch. "They're so messed up I don't think even they accept it yet." A deep growl emanated from Kakuzu's throat and the ex-Mist nin finally seemed to get the message, saying no more.

Zetsu, oblivious of his blue comrade's commentary, tilted his head and blinked as if he was seeing the woman in front of him for the first time. His lips turned up into a predatory smirk. "Pink hair. How unusual," he said, licking his lips. "_Tasty_."

A shiver crawled up Sakura's back.

Suddenly, a boy wearing a hypnotising orange swirled mask grabbed her hand and pulled her down onto one of the couches next to him. Thankfully, far away from the voracious leer of the plant man.

"Tobi likes you!" he said ecstatically. "Tobi is a good boy! You can sit next to Tobi! Your hair is pretty!"

Sakura raised an eyebrow curiously. Maybe not all of the Akatsuki were complete jerks. Beside the whole murdering and taking over the world thing. Kakuzu didn't kill her. Just. Zetsu didn't eat her. Yet. Kisame was helpful. Sort of. And Tobi seemed okay. In fact he reminded her of Naruto a little. Naruto on crack, that is. (Get it? Crack? The story is… oh fine, don't worry).

"Your forehead is very large!" the orange-masked boy continued, his arms flapping about him in excitement, oblivious to the deadly mistake he had just committed.

Sakura's eyes narrowed dangerously and her previous train of thought did a sharp hairpin turn.

Oh _hell _no.

But before she could retort, Diedara interrupted, unwittingly saving Tobi from the murderous grips of the pink haired medic.

"So how old are you, un?" he asked and Sakura would have thought he was acting sleazy if she didn't assume he was gay.

"Nineteen," she growled, poking at the pile of god knows what on the plate in front of her, secretly wishing she was holding a knife and it was Tobi she was stabbing. Kakuzu was about to warn her against wasting food and consequently precious money, when Hidan choked, spluttering bits of potato around the room.

"Damn, you serious?" he exclaimed, staring at the fuming kunoichi who had a blob of the Jashinist's dinner sliding down her cheek. "I thought you were fucking twelve or something!"

The kunoichi bristled furiously. "Yeah well I thought you were a fucking transvestite but at least I'm right, dumbass," Sakura snarled, sickeningly wiping away the sticky substance off her face, her mind now thinking up ways to dismember the silver haired Akatsuki slowly and painfully, Tobi forgotten.

Diedara howled with laughter again.

"The kitty has claws!" chortled Kisame, joining in on the fun. At least he quieted down somewhat when the kunoichi turned her homicidal gaze upon him.

Unlike Hidan whose 'colourful' language had escalated out of the spectrum of light, cursing Sakura to an eternity in hell seven times, calling her some kind of whore twenty two times as well as insulting her mother and a pet dog she didn't have. Only as a warm up, of course. Sakura was furious.

Sensing this, Tobi piped up. "Tobi has breathing exercises that help with anger! Tobi helped Kakuzu-sempai because Tobi is a good boy!' But this only seemed to infuriate the kunoichi further.

"Chauvinistic asshole!" she bit out snidely.

"Fucking psycho bitch!"

"Self-absorbed jackass!"

"Shove it up your fucking–"

"Hidan, enough," said Pein finally, without even looking up from his paper. The red haired man licked his thumb and flipped another page. It seemed that the Hokage's apprentice had inherited her teacher's fierce temper and stubbornness as well as medical skills. It would be amusing to see how she faired in the coming days.

Amusing to say the least.

It was about time someone put Hidan in line, as well as the others. The fact that he had _explicitly _warned them against harming her, unless in the most extenuating circumstances, would hopefully ensure her safety. For the time being.

Hidan glowered vehemently at his leader but turned his attention back to his food. "Damn Leaf ninja," he muttered, jabbing at his plate petulantly before garnishing it with sharp, iron nails. And then proceeded to spoon into his mouth and swallow the painfully improved recipe, while mumbling something about the almighty Jashin.

Sakura gaped at him incredulously. He really was psychotic.

However, glancing down at the crap in front of her, she thought that it couldn't get that much worse anyway. With one last poke at the cold meal, Sakura decided it was time to get out.

Lifting a delicate hand to her mouth, Sakura hid a fake yawn and made a show of stretching out her arms, nearly smacking Tobi in the face as she did so.

"Well I am _exhausted_," she announced, before shooting Hidan a withering look. "Dealing with masochistic sadists whose shoe size is larger than their IQ really tuckers me out. The loss of brain cells and all is very tiring."

Hidan stuck up his middle finger, his throat painfully occupied, and Sakura childishly stuck out her tongue in reply.

She got up and dropped her untouched plate onto Kakuzu's lap where it was quickly shovelled down by Kisame and his iron stomach. "Thanks for dinner," she said politely, though the words were bitter on her tongue. Next time it was Stiches' turn to cook she was not coming down from her room. Nothing in heaven or earth could make her. "I'm off to bed."

Diedara smirked and sidled up against Sakura. "Mind if I join you?" he asked, his arm making its way around her waist.

The kunoichi's face scrunched up in thinly veiled disgust. She peeled off his limb using her forefinger and thumb, her expression that of one detaching a slimy octopus tentacle. "Sorry. But won't Hidan miss you?" she asked innocently.

Before her face cracked a grin, Sakura skipped out of the room, her fingers twinkling in a goodbye wave.

"_What?_" Diedara cried in outrage.

She heard the loud guffaws of Kisame and Kakuzu followed by Pein's irritated reprimand of Hidan when the Jashinist spurted blood across the floor as he choked in indignation.

The pink haired kunoichi smirked as she changed into her pyjamas.

She had tested the line that night at dinner and knew that she wasn't in any immediate danger of being murdered in her sleep. At least until Hidan decided that her death was worth it.

Just because she was now living with nine of the most wanted missing nins in all of the Five Great Shinobi Nations who should be permanent patients of an insane asylum didn't mean she couldn't have a little fun.

Oh, she would have fun.

Little did she know that several other humiliated Akatsuki members were thinking the exact same thing. Well, add a few dozen expletives and swap 'have fun' with 'murder that fucking whore' and the message was more or less equivalent.

Either way, it would be an interesting year.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah… so Sakura has _little tiny _anger management issues. ****Psh no one's perfect. ==" **

**And to _cherryvampires_ I hope that was enough of Sakura sticking up for herself. Only verbally, for now. (;**

**Special thanks to _Pokeynater _for the well wishes (I am feeling much better now, thanks XD), and to all who reviewed and added this story to their alerts.**

**Also, any ideas you have are appreciated :D Just comment whatever you'd like to see happen between Sakura and the Akatsuki and I'll see if I can fit it in. This is turning into more of a drabble series than an actual plot-based story but whatever :P (Oh and just apologies for the weird-Zetsu. I, uh, don't really know how he talks so I just made it up ergh .) **

**AND: I've only updated earlier because I'm going away for a day or two from Wednesday and won't have a chance to update. Earlier is better than later, right? **

**Read, enjoy & review :)**

**- E. **


	4. Of Sleepless Nights and Empty Fridges

Chapter Four: Of Sleepless Nights and Empty Fridges

"COWER IN FEAR YOU PATHETIC ATHIESTS!"

Sakura groaned, twisting uncomfortably in her bed and folding her pillow over her ears, trying to muffle out Hidan's increasingly loud and gaudy battle cries. It was only seven in the morning, goddamn it, she deserved some _peace. _

The kunoichi had been awake for twenty minutes or so, futilely struggling to get back to sleep after being roused by the early morning training going on outside. It was the second time she had been unceremoniously woken by Hidan's incessant ranting and Sakura fervently hoped it wasn't going to become routine.

"Face the wrath of the almightily Jashin you fucking assholes!" came a particularly high pitched shriek followed by the sharp clanging of kunai.

Growling, she flipped over onto her back and smashed her fist down upon the bed, forgetting about her replenished chakra stores in her irritation. The mattress heaved and timber frame broke against the force of her super human strength and Sakura dropped onto the floor, knocking her head painfully against the edge of the bedside table.

As she pushed herself off the timber flooring, Sakura was fuming. If it wasn't for those ignorant bastards she would still be asleep on her nice, cosy _unbroken _bed! In fact, if it wasn't for the Akatsuki she would probably be enjoying a nice cool drink in a little café in a side street of Suna instead of Hidan's girlish screams!

Not bothering to change out of her pyjamas, the boiling pink haired Leaf-nin stalked out of her room, pausing only to heal the swelling bruise on her forehead (and no, she didn't keep hitting it because it was abnormally large – her forehead was perfectly proportional with the rest of her body, thank you very much), intent on revenge.

It wasn't long before she found the doorway leading outside.

Itachi stood still in the far left corner of the training ground, sharpening some kunai. Tobi was prancing madly around Diedara, narrowly missing the multitude of spider bombs hurled his way. Neither Pein nor Konan were in sight, as well as the blue skinned man. Her eyes immediately fell on Hidan who was currently occupied by Kakuzu's stiches, which had grown out of his body and was attacking his partner with them like whips.

Sakura stomped furiously towards her unsuspecting prey.

Sensing her murderous intentions, Kakuzu stepped back courteously, his stiches sliding back into his body. Diedara paused his fight to watch, sending Kakuzu a quick smirk, while Tobi shut his eyes and blocked his ears to protect his 'innocence'. Itachi didn't bother looking up and continued to sharpen his weapons.

Jabbing a trembling finger viciously in Hidan's face, Sakura exploded. "I _do not_ appreciatehearing your moronic shrieking at _seven thirty_ in the fucking morning_. _If you do not _shut the fuck up _for the next two hours so I can get some well-deserved sleep I will murder your pussy fucking ass!" Emerald eyes glinted dangerously, and coupled with messy hair and her overall sleep deprived look, the newest Akatsuki member looked crazy enough to go ahead with it. "Got it?"

Hidan wiped the back of his hand against his mouth, a sneer twisting his features. "I'd like to see you try to fucking kill me, skank," he scoffed, holding up the necklace hung around his neck. "I'm protected by Jashin-sama himself. I'm fucking immortal. A pink-assed bitch like you couldn't even scratch me, not that it would matter." He grabbed his scythe and gorged a deep mark into his left arm, grinning like mad man the whole while. "I will make as much fucking noise as I WANT!"

Furtively, Kakuzu sighed and handed a wad of notes to a smirking Diedara.

But Sakura wasn't finished.

Striding one step forward, the medic nin tapped into her reserves of chakra and kneed Hidan with as much force as she could muster right in his, well, _delicate _area. If there was no way of killing him, Sakura would do the world a great justice by making sure he couldn't reproduce any foul-mouthed offspring.

Ever.

A sympathetic hiss sounded from the watching Akatsuki, even Itachi wincing.

Diedara, cringing, handed back the cash to a grinning Kakuzu who quickly pocketed the money. He had never lost a bet, and never would.

Hidan groaned and collapsed on the floor, clutching the severely pummelled part of his anatomy. "My jewels!" he shrilled, his voice an octave higher than usual, much to the amusement of his partner.

"I knew your stupidity wouldn't let me down, Hidan," Kakuzu said, flipping through his winnings with a contented smile.

Satisfied with the situation, Sakura nodded and turned back to the house, focusing now on finding a new bed and catching a few extra hours of blessed sleep.

However, Diedara suddenly stood in her way, a seductive leer on his face.

Obviously he was suicidal, or perhaps oblivious of just how much the pink haired woman in front of him was _not _a morning person, as he slurred, "Nice pyjamas, yeah. They look good on you, hn." He winked. "But you would look better without th–"

In an instant he was sprawled on the floor, a red mark blossoming on his jaw. Sakura, still clenching her chakra infused fist, stormed back inside as she enjoyed, somewhat sadistically, Diedara's moan of pain.

Before slamming the door behind her, she yelled threateningly, 'And if I hear even a whisper from any of you for the next two hours, you will see me angry!"

She just managed to discern Tobi's frightened whimper of 'that wasn't Sakura-chan angry?" before the door shut behind her and a peaceful silence reigned.

Stifling a yawn, the kunoichi rubbed her eyes sleepily and trudged back up the stairs, her thoughts only on the silky smooth sheets and the soft snug mattress (my alliteration sentence failed DX ) of a bed. She headed down the corridor toward her room, thinking she could perhaps salvage some of her destroyed mattress or, if worse came to worst, the floor seemed comfortable enough.

In her drowsy state, Sakura almost didn't notice the door strangely ajar as she ambled along the passageway. Peeking through, she saw a large, inviting, empty room with a large, inviting, empty bed. In her short stay at the Akatsuki base, she had never seen one of the other doors in the corridor open, and this one nagged at her appealingly. It was probably just another spare bedroom, like hers once was, and was left open accidentally. Even if it was one of the Akatsuki's, they were all up anyway and she was sure they wouldn't mind if she used it for a few hours – if they did, why would they leave the door carelessly ajar?

Shrugging, Sakura entered and collapsed gratefully on the bed, burrowing herself under the messily sprawled covers. In moments, she was asleep, unaware of the usual occupant returning to their room.

xxx

Sakura's mind still in the sluggish confines of sleep, she hardly noticed when she instinctively snuggled closer to the warmth radiating close beside her. The source of the heat was firm and hard and a small frown creased her brow as she nestled closer in an attempt to get more comfortable.

Her nose crinkled as a slight odour of old fish wafted through her nostrils.

Cracking open her eyes, her eyes met that of a grinning, blue shark man.

Wait. Why was he in her bed?

Wait. Was he _naked_?

"Good morning, dear Sakura-chan, my favourite cherry blossom. You know if you wanted to sleep with me so badly, you could have just asked," he said, rows of sharpened white teeth glinting disturbingly.

The kunoichi screamed and she scrambled off the bed in shock. "What _the fuck_?"

Kisame roared with laughter, tears sliding down his face.

"Get the hell out of my room!" she screamed.

"Last time I looked sweetie, this was _my _room." Kisame grinned.

Sakura stared at him incredulously for a few moments before palming her forehead. "Put some fucking clothes on, you pervert!"

The missing nin laughed but, shrugging, he got up and headed to his cupboard.

Thankfully he was wearing boxers.

Turning his head over his shoulder to shoot another cocky smirk at the pink haired woman, Kisame mused thoughtfully, "Although technically, since I'm the one without the clothes, _you're _the pervert."

The medic nin growled dangerously.

Kisame, pulling on a pair of pants, continued slyly, "I feel extremely violated. I guess you'll just have to make it up to me somehow."

Trying to scrounge the last shreds of her dignity, Sakura lifted her chin up and stalked out of the room. "Shove it up your ass, Kisame," she spat, leaving.

"Gladly," she heard him call, guffawing loudly. "Your bed next time!"

Sakura slammed the door behind her. "Fucking Akatsuki," she muttered.

Glancing outside, the she deduced it had only been an hour or so since she had fallen asleep. _Damn. _How long had shark-face been there?

Asshole.

Even though Sakura was far from rested, Kisame having destroyed any benefit she had received from her short nap, the kunoichi knew she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep anytime soon. Her stomach grumbling, she decided to change out of her pyjamas and go get some breakfast.

After quickly chucked on a plain black skirt and white top, Sakura headed downstairs. Before turning into the kitchen, she overheard Kisame's boorish voice as he bragged over that morning's escapades.

"– left because I needed to piss, came back and she was there in my bed!" he broke off, his laughter mixed with a few other male chortles. "You should have seen her face–"

Sakura stormed in and was greeted by the guffaws of Captain Sushi himself, Barbie and Stiches.

Kisame snaked up to her, slinging an arm around her shoulder. "Ah, dearest cherry blossom, refreshed from your morning sleep? You should visit more often. My bed _is_ very comfortable."

He hit the floor with a deafening thud. Sakura smiled sweetly as she cracked her knuckles. "No thank you _darling._ And I've had better."

Just then Hidan scuttled through the door, took one look at Kisame, one look at Sakura and winced understandingly, for the first time in his life sympathetic to another person's pain. "Fuck, you too? This crazy bitch is on a rampage." He clutched protectively at his crotch as he trod delicately over to a cupboard and took out a bottle of bourbon.

"Only because I didn't get enough sleep, thanks to you" she retorted and as if to prove her point, yawned widely. "And my bed is broken."

She immediately regretted her words.

Hidan leered and swigged down a couple of mouthfuls, smacking his lips as it burnt his scratched throat. "You like it rough too, huh?"

Sakura sent him a withering look and went to raid the kitchen. God, she was starving.

Staring into the empty fridge, though, the kunoichi didn't think she could stomach eating a jar of mustard by itself, or that slice of mouldy pizza stuck to the back wall. Or… was that a human_ hand_?

Shutting the fridge door in disgust, she faced the four Akatsuki males occupying the kitchen. "Where the hell is the food? I'm starving."

"How the fuck should we know?" growled Hidan, taking another swig of scotch. "Where is Konan anyway, that skank. The bitch is supposed to be in charge of supplies." He eyed Sakura for a moment before adding, "You should probably lay your fat ass off the food for a while anyway. Eat some fucking carrot sticks or whatever the shit people have when they try to lose weight."

"Granola too," added Kakuzu helpfully. "It's cheaper."

Sakura's eye twitched. She was about to go ape shit on all their fucking bigoted asses when Zetsu suddenly popped up out of the kitchen floor.

Literally.

With only the upper half of his body visible, he floated over to the fridge, opened it and grabbed the human hand.

"_Delicious_," Zetsu said, licking his striped lips.

"Gnawing on all the little bones is especially fun," other Zetsu agreed.

He then sunk back down into the ground with his snack, as quickly as he arrived. Unconsciously, everyone took two steps away where Zetsu had disappeared.

Diedara broke the awkward silence with, as usual, a sleazy comment. He smirked that annoying smirk of his and said, "Well, my bed's free _anytime_, yeah."

She glared. "Why don't you play hide and go fuck yourself?"

"Only if you play too, hn," Blondie replied suggestively.

"Fuck man," groaned Hidan, downing another gulp of bourbon. "Give it up if you want your balls intact. Fucking cocksucker. We all know what those fucking mouths on your hands are really for. Go use 'em and save us your fucking idiocy."

Sakura hardly had the time to register the insult in order to laugh before a quickly moulded explosive was hauled furiously towards the immortal Jashinist.

Now, despite being humiliated and crazy enough to be on the verge of suicidal, Diedara did not want to risk being castrated by Konan. Therefore the bomb he threw at Hidan was large enough to blow a hole in that bastard's chest but small enough to not do any unnecessary damage to the surrounding room.

Unfortunately, he did not take into consideration the flammable alcoholic liquid held in Hidan's hand.

The five Akatsuki stood in the remnants of the kitchen. Two of its walls had blown out, revealing a pretty flower garden and vegetable patch, half destroyed by debris. Zetsu knelt beside a crushed hibiscus, his hands quivering in their bright red gardening gloves.

Miraculously, they only received minor injuries, apart from Hidan's blown off arm. It didn't count anyway, and he seemed to take it in stride.

But as Konan walked through the doorway, crushing the shopping bags held in her arms, and a single tear rolled down Zetsu's bright yellow eye as he growled "_the gloves are blood red for a reason_", it didn't seem that their luck would last.

They were so screwed.

* * *

**A/N: Hahah! I managed to get it in on Wednesday! ... albeit slightly late :P **

**This chapter gave me some trouble and consequently became a filler (Not ... that there is a real plot to this story anyway...)**

**I just sort of wanted to focus on a few characters and what they'll be like in the coming chapters. Eg. Diedara is a sleaze (because it's funny, okay D':) and Kisame is a nice/joker-y guy 'cause he's awesome like that, and Kakuzu and Hidan are… Kakuzu and Hidan. **

**But yeah, it's less ha-ha funny and more Sakura-kicking-ass funny this chapter because... I felt like it. XP **

_**Pokeynater**_**: Duh, of course :P Your review held magical healing powers, obviously ;)**

**OH and, uh, no Sasori isn't in this particular fic. Sorry ==" **

**Read, enjoy & review as always :) **

**- E.**


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